Thoughts

So I half-heartedly applied to the Pixar Technical Director internship. It's a position that I might like to have in the future, so I figured I might as well apply. Slapped together a portfolio, pooped out a cover letter, and kind of half expected not to be contacted. Well, I wasn't contacted. I'm not totally disappointed because the position didn't really fit me or my portfolio, but I'm kind of questioning if they'll even consider me for the art internship.

I started thinking about how important this is for me. My ability to draw is something I take a lot of pride in. I get defensive when my artistic taste is criticized, and sad if people don't especially notice my work. It's something that's taken me so many years to develop - I've been drawing all my life. Sure, I've never really been the smartest kid, but I've been always known as the "artist" at school.

This reminds me of the poetry anthology cover competition in middle school. I spent a couple nights drawing my entry. My brother persuaded me to scan it and color it digitally. I expected everyone to be impressed and to win by a landslide. My design only got 1 or 2 votes. I tried to complain to friends, but they all agreed that my drawing wasn't all that great (and said I cheated because I used the computer). This was definitely something I wasn't used to. In middle school my classmates would want me to draw crappy anime girls in their yearbooks, and in elementary school they'd be amazed at how well I could copy Dragonball/Sailormoon pictures. People usually liked my drawings, but this time that wasn't the case. I was crushed. I cried for a good hour or two that day.

I hope the same thing doesn't happen again with the Pixar internship. I'm trying to keep my expectations low, but something tells me I won't be able to face the reality that I might not be good enough.